


The Knight, the Witch, and the Himbo

by BiJane



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Excuses of Questionable Quality, F/F, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Look 90 percent of Quanyii's dialogue and existence is an innuendo, Other, Second Citadel (Penumbra Podcast), Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:14:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25897270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BiJane/pseuds/BiJane
Summary: It isn’t easy for Sir Caroline and Quanyii to keep their relationship secret from the Second Citadel, not with the knights around them being the most intelligent, the most observant-Oh, it’s just Sir Angelo, never mind.
Relationships: Sir Caroline/Quanyii (Penumbra Podcast)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 58





	The Knight, the Witch, and the Himbo

**Author's Note:**

> So a friend got me into this podcast (shout-out to marinavermilion on tumblr) and I listened all the way through and started this midway through, and completed when I finished. Everyone is an idiot and I love them dearly for it.

“Saints above!”

Sir Caroline often trained alone. The Citadel had much in the way of training yards, its knights endeavouring to stay in peak condition, but few were willing to spar with her and there were fewer still she wanted to train with.

So going through the motions herself it was. No one questioned it anymore; they just accepted she’d be practising in her own quiet corners of the Citadel.

And if being alone happened to mean she was in a position for a certain maddening witch to appear and bother her, well, she’d suffer through it. It was routine by now. Usually the other knights knew better than to interrupt her.

Usually.

Sir Angelo was standing by the entrance to the empty square. Inside said square, Sir Caroline’s training had already been interrupted. Two faces turned sideways at Angelo’s explanation.

Caroline hastily stepped back, abruptly breaking the embrace, wiping the smear from her mouth – Quanyii always _insisted_ on wearing all manner of unnaturally coloured lip-paints – and straightening her jerkin.

“Witch! You should not be in the Citadel!” Caroline managed to declare, catching her breath.

Quanyii quirked one eyebrow, doing a remarkable job of silently conveying ‘ _there is no way that’s going to work_.’ Still, they’d always tried to keep their… thing a secret. Life was hard enough as the only female knight without dealing with the reaction to loving a witch.

Caroline cleared her throat. Her armour was already in slight disarray; she reached for her sword-sheath just to help the look, only to find that it had been removed at some point. Quanyii helpfully handed it back.

Okay, not helping it come across as convincing.

“Never fear! Sir Angelo is here to help!”

He was already running across the square to help. Caroline wasn’t particularly worried for Quanyii’s safety, her wife could handle this sort of thing easily, but she was still in mild disbelief that Angelo had bought it.

No, wait, who was she kidding? It was _Angelo_. Of course he’d bought it.

“I don’t need your _help_ ,” Caroline said, gritting her teeth. Even if this was a lie, she wasn’t going to let him get away with that.

“Even the finest of knights needs the power of teamwork!” Angelo said. “And this… this is the witch who helped us.”

Quanyii waved.

“For shame, Sir Caroline!” Angelo said. “One does not go around accosting one’s allies.”

Caroline paused. Okay, that was a good excuse, but she wasn’t going to give in that quickly. Besides, Quanyii had decided to get in the way of her training. Again.

Okay, she’d been willingly distracted, but it was the principle of the thing.

“She’s _not_ my ally,” Caroline said.

Quanyii pouted.

“Nevertheless, she did aid us,” Angelo said. “You should treat her better.”

“Yeah,” Quanyii said. “I’m with him. You could treat me way better, babe.”

Caroline glowered.

“Can I get an apology?” Quanyii said hopefully.

Caroline’s glower did not diminish.

Quanyii reached out, pinching Caroline’s cheeks with one hand and making her lips move slightly. It was rather impressive how the rest of Caroline’s expression didn’t change as Quanyii talked for her.

“I’m very sorry Quanyii, you’re a beautiful and amazing person and I would never-” Quanyii began. Caroline slapped her arm away, rolling her eyes at her wife’s delighted laugh.

“ _Not the time_ ,” Caroline hissed.

“What was that?” Angelo said.

Oh damn it, he was still there too. Caroline cleared her throat.

“I said, er, she’s _still_ not meant to be here,” Caroline said. “Whether she helped us or not.”

“Isn’t she? I thought the ban on witches was taken back years ago,” Angelo said.

Quanyii poked her tongue out.

“That’s not the point!” Caroline said.

Saints, why couldn’t he just be an idiot the one time she needed him to be?

“I don’t see the problem,” Angelo said. “Of what I recall, she helped to save the Second Citadel, and is of fine moral character-”

Caroline bit her lip. Quanyii openly laughed.

“And she doesn’t appear to be hurting anyone,” Angelo continued.

“Not unless they ask _really_ nicely,” Quanyii supplied.

“So I say we let her go about her business,” Angelo said. “Don’t you think, Sir Caroline?”

Caroline gritted her teeth. Well, and least they’d gotten out of this slip-up; slightly reluctantly, Caroline took a step back.

“This time,” Caroline said.

“Is that a yes or no on the apology?” Quanyii said.

“Don’t push it,” Caroline said.

“Spoilsport,” Quanyii said.

She pouted, then turned to leave. Caroline watched her go, a mix of emotions promptly hidden on her face.

“Excellent!” Angelo declared, oblivious. “A fine day’s work, wouldn’t you say Sir Caroline?”

She turned her glower upon him, then schooled it. Why did he have to interrupt?

“I could’ve handled her myself,” Caroline said.

Slightly more frustrated, she returned to training.

* * *

Quanyii really did know her too well. Sometimes it was just irritating; other times, Caroline had to admit to enjoying it rather too much. There was probably a reason she kept letting Quanyii interrupt her practice.

Though part of her did miss the days where everyone avoided her; that made it easier to get away with their dalliances, and it substantially less likely for-

“Oh, hello!” Sir Angelo said brightly. “You’re back in the Citadel?”

Caroline had her back to him, but she could still recognise his voice; she bit her lip to keep from groaning. Quanyii meanwhile peered over her shoulder and waved.

Caroline tensed. That wasn’t the tone Angelo adopted with her, so there was a chance he hadn’t recognised her from the back of her head; she just had to keep facing away until-

“Wait, Sir Caroline?” he said.

Damn it.

“What? Aww, sweetie, why would this be your Sir Caroline?” Quanyii said.

“It isn’t?” Angelo said. He stopped. “She certainly looks like Sir Caroline.”

“Why would Sir Caroline be with a witch like me?” Quanyii said. “Even if it looks like her, that just wouldn’t make any sense now, would it?”

Caroline blinked. Was Quanyii being… helpful? It was a new feeling.

While Quanyii absently stroked small circles into an exposed spot on Caroline’s neck, slowly coaxing her to turn around, the gears in Angelo’s head turned.

“Ah!” Angelo exclaimed. “I see!”

He paused.

“I don’t see,” he said. “One who looks like Sir Caroline, but isn’t Sir Caroline…”

“She’s an illusion, silly,” Quanyii said. “Witch, remember? I thought I’d try out a spell.”

Caroline did a double take. That was… not the worst cover story out there. And given the look of dawning comprehension on Angelo’s face, it seemed to be working. She was just surprised.

For a moment, Caroline almost relaxed. She could pretend to be an illusion for a minute, until Angelo left, they could keep their secret. She could thank Quanyii for coming up with an excuse after.

That thought lasted almost a whole second.

“After all, would the real Sir Caroline do this?” Quanyii said.

She smiled sweetly, turning Caroline to face her; it took everything Caroline had to not glower.

“Tell me I’m pretty,” Quanyii said, sweet smile not once dropping.

Caroline paused. Angelo waited expectantly; Caroline gritted her teeth.

“You’re pretty,” Caroline said.

“Tell me how sweet and wonderful I am,” Quanyii said, smile a little wider.

Angelo was still watching. Caroline narrowly avoided growling.

“You’re a very… sweet person,” Caroline said, making it very clear which adjective she’d rather be using.

“And wonderful,” Quanyii prompted.

“And… wonderful.”

“There you go,” Quanyii said. “Wasn’t so hard now, was it?”

Quanyii kissed her nose. Caroline jumped.

“Only a fake Sir Caroline would do that,” Quanyii said, evidently enjoying herself.

“It does seem out of character,” Angelo agreed.

“Ooh!” Quanyii clapped her hands excitedly. “Do you want to see what else I can make her do?”

She was downright beaming by that point. Caroline pointedly elbowed her; in a rare display of tact, Quanyii’s expression sobered.

“Er. Later,” Quanyii said. “She is a _lot_ of fun though. Less grouchy than the original.”

Caroline shot her wife a look that promised _consequences_. Quanyii shot a look back that promised she was looking forward to it.

“But, may I ask, why did you create an illusion of the Captain of the Guard?” Sir Angelo said. “I know you have helped the Citadel, but if this is part of some nefarious scheme…”

“Darling, everything I do is part of _something_ nefarious,” Quanyii said. “Do have to stay on-brand. But don’t worry, it’s no threat to your Citadel.”

“Excellent!” Angelo said cheerfully.

Caroline made a mental note to discipline him for giving in too easily, before deciding to let it slide this once.

“Say,” Quanyii said eventually. “Want to see me get bench-pressed by an illusion?”

Caroline raised her eyebrows.

“You know, just for a bit of extra-special proof there’s no way she’s your Captain,” Quanyii said. “Not that Caroline couldn’t do that. She _definitely_ could. She just never would no matter how many times you asked, even if you pleaded and offered to turn her helmet into solid gold, no matter how much fun it would be.”

Caroline wondered if the time would come that she’d ever stop glaring. Quanyii just winked back.

“Er, I don’t see how that’s-” Angelo began.

“Well if you insist!” Quanyii said, chipper. “Hop to it, illusion!”

* * *

“Hup hup hup hup hup!”

The familiar sound came from just around the corner. Wide-eyed, Caroline and Quanyii suddenly looked each other; there was a rustle, and Caroline struggled to reach out.

She _had_ been training when this had started, honest. It was just that Quanyii had showed up, and one thing had led to another, and now the two of them were on the ground and her armour was over _there_ and-

The _hup_ ping came to an abrupt stop as a certain knight turned the corner. Mildly panicked, Caroline looked up at him, stuck below her wife, while Quanyii followed her gaze.

There was a moment of silence.

“I know what this is!” Angelo said suddenly.

Caroline flushed. Mentally she considered her options; she could throw Quanyii off of her just to try and prevent rumours that the witch was on top. Then again, with Quanyii where she was, at least Caroline had her modesty somewhat protected. She wasn’t sure which option was preferable.

And then Angelo grinned.

“This is sport!” Angelo said brightly. “I engaged in a hearty bout with Sir Marc not so long ago.”

The two blinked.

“Details?” Quanyii said.

Caroline moved her hand to cover Quanyii’s mouth. Quanyii winked at her; Caroline shuddered.

“I… can imagine it, but I doubt it,” Caroline said slowly.

“No, no, it was definitely sport,” Angelo said. “Ah, what a fine adventure it was! It was at the behest of… ah, Sir Caroline, I believe you’re meant to draw a ring on the ground first, that way you know when the other’s out.”

“We’ll… bear that in mind,” Caroline said slowly.

“Good show!” Angelo said. “I see you prefer to play much the same way as Sir Marc. He too neglected even smallclothes in his pursuit of victory. To my shame, I must admit he did end up winning, so perhaps that is the better strategy.”

Quanyii bit Caroline’s fingers; Caroline snatched her hand back, then immediately regretted it as she realised now Quanyii could actually chime in. Still, her wife stayed atop her, wriggling happily.

For once, Quanyii actually seemed mildly caught off-guard. It was a somewhat alien sensation; she much preferred to be the one causing that reaction in others.

“So, where exactly did you learn to play sport?” Quanyii said. “I may have to book a holiday there.”

“Ah. Er. Unfortunately it was part of a trap laid by some nymphs,” Angelo said. “But never fear, we proved victorious over-”

“I didn’t hear about this,” Caroline said.

She shifted, trying to look as intimidating as she could with Quanyii draped over her.

“You feel into a trap?” Caroline said.

“Well it was,” Angelo began. He cleared his throat. “That is to say, it is a knight’s duty to come to the aid of any fair maiden, even if they did turn out to be somewhat, ah, less-than-fair.”

Caroline groaned.

“Sir Caroline is quite immune to the charms of magical women,” Quanyii added, idly walking her fingers up Caroline’s neck. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

Caroline coughed.

“Yes, well, er, it’s over now,” Angelo said. He paused, then resumed grinning again. “Ah! But I am glad to see the two of you have gotten over your differences and become friends.”

“We’re not friends!” Caroline said hastily.

“Rivals then,” Angelo said cheerfully. “Working together, pushing one another to be better, gals being-”

“That is _not_ what this is!” Caroline said.

She shifted, meaning to move a little to better glare at him, only to accidentally rub against Quanyii. She quickly swallowed, catching herself.

This would be a much easier conversation to have at literally any other time.

To say nothing of the nymphs. She had a lot of questions there; chief among them was why the pretty lady monsters apparently only showed up after she left. If it was a choice between nymphs and watching Rilla pine after that lizard, she knew which seemed most bearable.

“Well, whatever it is, I’m glad,” Angelo said. “I remember sport being a most thrilling endeavour, I’m glad you have someone to play with.”

“Speaking of,” Quanyii said. “I’d _really_ like to get back to playing with her, so if you could run along now, that’d be great. Dear Caroline has such dreadful nerves about playing ‘sport’ in front of an audience.”

“Of course, say no more!” Angelo said.

Caroline was once more glad Quanyii was between her and Angelo so he didn’t see the look she was giving her wife.

“Good luck Sir Caroline!” Angelo said. “And you too Quanyii! I hope whoever is victor is proud. Angelo away! Hup hup hup hup…”

There was the rhythmic sound of footsteps as he hurried out; Caroline slumped back in relief. Quanyii stared after him. She quirked an eyebrow.

“Okay,” Quanyii said. “ _How_ does that keep working?”

“Don’t complain,” Caroline said.

“I’m just saying,” Quanyii said. “If those are your knights, I could totally take over your Citadel if I had a bored week. Gives a girl ideas.”

“No you won’t,” Caroline said.

“Spoilsport,” Quanyii said. She pouted. “Try and stop me.”

“Oh, I will,” Caroline said.

She reached up and pulled Quanyii’s head down, abruptly cutting off a delighted chuckle.

Maybe this time they’d actually get some peace.


End file.
